My child doesn’t listen well and forgets most of what I ask them to do. Part 2

My child doesn’t listen well and forgets most of what I ask them to do!

Does this resonate with you? You are not alone.

In Part 1 we considered the ideas about what is actually going on when you tell your child something, or ask them to do something. In Part 2 we think about a few simple tools to have up your sleeve to help with all this.

At the bottom of this blog is a small summary table which you might find helpful to print out and stick on your fridge/cupboard or somewhere that you will ALL see it. It will provide a good reminder and will teach your children how to regulate their thought processes too.

Let’s get started.

1. Target the main point

If you find yourselves giving out multiple ideas/requests/points in any situation, you will find the recipient may start to look a little overwhelmed. If this happens, or better still – to prevent it happening, think about the main point of what you are saying.

What’s your main point?

If they are to remember one thing from what you have said, what would you want it to be?

Make that main point again.

This is good for you too – it helps you consider what is the main thing you are trying to say.

By doing this, you should see the attention improves and the engagement improves. You have just improved the chance that your child (or other adult) has processed your point and can now act upon it!

2. Connect to something they already know/are aware of

When you hear something in isolation, with no context, you are much less likely to engage with it, or crucially, remember it.

When you are chatting about something, discussing an idea, a piece of learning or a task, connect it to something they already know about.

“Do you remember when we …”

“You know that xxx in your room, well…”

“Do you remember Grandma’s friend xxx, well they’ve asked us to….”

Connect to what they already know

By putting your words into a familiar context, you boost the chance of your child joining in with you, the chance of them understanding what you are talking about, and-again- the chance of them remembering it. (If you can act quickly too, whatever that looks like, all the better)

Also, you give your conversation more purpose. Your child can see why and how it fits in to their bigger picture. Again, you boost their engagement and their chance of remembering.

This also works with tasks, instructions etc. If they can see why or how there is a benefit, what the point is or how they will feel, this will make much more sense for them than if it is simply given as an instruction.

3. Make a list

Lists don’t have to be long! Lists can have just 2 items – I suppose even 1; but then I think it becomes a “note to self”. Still useful as it involves an action.

We use lists for all sorts of things – the most obvious being a shopping list, or a set of tasks we want to finish. To do this with children is really helpful. It can even be a list that isn’t written – just rehearsed through talking .

By making a list we:

• Transfer our thoughts into another form – so we have processed them in some way – either written, drawn or whatever suits at the time

• Organise the information

• Summarise into main points

• Narrow it down to make it feel manageable

• Physically act on our thoughts – by writing, drawing, typing on our ‘phone etc

• We might even prioritise which bits are the most important – a bit more processing

In doing so, the memory of what we have heard becomes much more embedded in our working brain and stays there more effectively.

My shopping lists involve elements of other knowledge too – what we are running out of, what I am planning, what order they come in the shop layout (in my visual memory) what other people have requested and even, what priority the different items have.

So you can see that creating a list of any kind is actually really helpful in lots of ways. Letting your children see you making lists and showing or encouraging them to make their own simple lists is an incredibly helpful tool to have when trying to get them to listen well and remember what has been said.

Make a list - and use it with your child

As I said, this could be a very simple list of what to do whilst the bath is running or anything that is just a part of everyday life.

 4.      Draw it

Although this is linked to list making, it is a tool in it’s own right.

I am not talking about stunning artistic creations. Although lovely, that would be a barrier to fulfilling the purpose of the task - which is to listen well and remember.

This is really another form of note making which gives a more visual element to the details being spoken about.

Draw the information

This helps think through what information there is and creates a memorable picture.

For example, it may be a picture of a tidy sink. The dishes are away – not on the sink, the washing up brush is in its pot and the dish cloth is next to it. The washing-up liquid is in its place.

This would be a lot of things to memorise, but if the child has drawn a picture to represent each item and where it is, then it becomes much more easy to process and recall.

It is much less overwhelming – therefore it reduces stress and frees up space in the brain to remember it.

You can also draw a process – again, similar to a list, but particularly focussed on the order of things happening.

Getting ready for school is a process with several steps – some of which are multi-stepped themselves if you think about it. Getting dressed for example.

 So, if you have a visual timetable, which shows all the different steps, then great. You can easily make one. (They don’t have to be fancy at all – they can be on the cardboard from an online delivery or cereal packet)

 (If you would like help with that, get in touch)

 Drawing can also be brilliant for remembering the details of a story, or some other set of facts – maybe with a few key words added in here or there. I have known 5 year olds be able to tell an entire story, with considerable detail and remembered language using just their own picture clues drawn in order on a single sheet of paper.

So, if in doubt, draw a quick pic!

5. Rehearse – over and over

Over and over again

In just the same way that we improve at any skill, we do it over and over. We repeat the action many, many times until our “muscle memory” kicks in and our brain pathways make a new connection.

Dancers do this, craftspeople do this, chefs do this, builders and mechanics do this.

The more we repeat something (correctly) the more it stays with us.

This is why music, actions, skills which are so engrained in us, through years of doing them, stay with us – even when we have lost many other skills and memories along the way.

Now, repetition for a child is very important. (Note: this is not the same as learning things, that we don’t understand, by rote.)

It can be helpful to vary the nature of the repetition – just for added interest. Maybe use different voices, maybe sing it, maybe rap it, maybe write/draw/build a model of it. So long as the key information stays the same. (Note: for some children this is not helpful – they need it to be the same every time. This is fine too)

You know that if you are trying to remember a telephone number, you repeat it to yourself over and over. Interestingly, we naturally form a pattern within that repetition, which helps us to retain it. If someone repeats our number back to us in a different pattern, it can feel wrong! Worth bearing in mind then with children.

6. Say it a different way

Rephrase it! There’s more than one way in.

It may be that you need to rephrase what you have said, shorten it or check whether there was a word you have used which might be new or easily misunderstood.

The giveaway here is the bewildered look, the totally blank look, or the complete lack of any kind of action on the part of the child! Equally, the action could be wrong – because they have misunderstood!

This is not a reflection on you or them – simply an acknowledgement that this particular bit of communication needs to be altered in some way in order for it to be successfully interpreted.

If you find yourself in this situation, rather than becoming frustrated, it is worth considering whether there is another way of getting your message across. There is more than one way in…

It is also worth checking that the actual content and concepts of what you are saying are developmentally accurate for your child. As previously discussed in Part 1, depending on what stage of development they are at, they may have little understanding of what you are talking about. In this case, your rephrasing involves, not just different words, but simpler or more familiar concepts.

7. Create a mental picture

For many of us, whenever we hear anything, our brain will create an image as part of its processing of that information. Often, when we try to remember something – a place, a shop, a visit – part of that process involves bringing that image to mind. We often call it “the mind’s eye”.

 If we are hearing information of any kind – remember, simply our parent talking to us, is information – then we often produce mental pictures without even realising. (Again, the accuracy of such pictures depends on whether we have fully understood what we have heard)

Why not capitalise on this ability that many of us have? Let’s use it as another tool to help our child listen well and remember. Again, we can link things together and use mental pictures to help us. There is much written about this sort of thing as an aid to memory but for the purpose of this blog, if you can remember a picture, why not practise joining pictures together in the brain?

What is in your mind’s eye?

The earlier example of the list with the milk and the book could be combined mentally. You could imagine a glass of milk next to a book  - together on the table. Or it could be imagined in a silly place, or a favourite place etc.

It’s amazing how many things you can remember when joining them together in a mental picture! (Also handy if you do not have a piece of paper and pencil nearby) This can include particular colours for certain things.

In the photograph, the Numicon piece representing 5 is always this shape and always red. Children can visualise this really easily and by giving it a particular colour which they always associate with it; they have another tool to help them remember it.

8. Break it into smaller chunks

If you are talking about something with your child and they are having difficulty joining in very effectively, it may be that there is too much information in the one idea and it would be helpful to break it into smaller chunks.

For example, if you ask your child or partner, “How was your day?”, which may feel like a lovely, caring, open ended question, they will probably give a one word answer. “Fine” “Awful” “OK” This leaves you feeling frustrated that they haven’t really answered you properly.

There are many things to say about the best time to ask about this kind of thing etc but that’s not the point I’m making here. The point is, a day is a big, complex chunk of time, and to ask a child or adult to discuss that in any meaningful way is a big ask! To be fair, it’s not really what you mean.

Break the concept into smaller chunks where each piece has a specific item to grasp.

Instead of, “How was your day?” try, “Did you enjoy your sandwich today?”

Or, “How was P.E. ?”

“Did your meeting go well ?”(obviously, this is for your partner or an older child!)

This is much easier to process and remember properly in order to answer meaningfully. You are more likely to get answers like this:

“No, my sandwich was soggy because my drink leaked onto it.”

“P.E. was great because we did gymnastics in the hall and I showed everyone my balancing. “

“Yes, thank you my meeting was really helpful actually. We have made a plan. “

 Breaking things up into chunks works for all kinds of scenarios:

• Doing some homework

• Learning a spelling

• Getting ready for school

It allows the task to be much more specific and organised – therefore much easier to process and act upon.

It involves a feel-good-factor (which is never a bad thing)

By breaking something down into manageable chunks, we can feel achievement as we complete each part.

Putting this in the context of your child listening well and remembering, if you ask them to do, or remember a big, complex thing, you are potentially setting them up to fail (and for you to be frustrated with them)

If you ask them to go get ready for bed, break it down into smaller chunks. What task could they do first? Then come back for the next task and so on. You might be able to link things, but if you link too many, it becomes too big again. That’s the point where you go upstairs half an hour later to find that they have barely taken their socks off!

The photograph of the chocolate chunks is helpful as a reminder that if you try to put the whole lot in your mouth in one large chunk, it will not fit. If you break it into smaller chunks, you might still eat all of it, but you would be able to eat each piece successfully.

There are many more ideas and theories about listening skills and remembering skills. Here, I have highlighted just a few that will get you started, or help you realise all the brilliant things you already do. I hope that you have found something to give you a little food for thought.

And if it all feels too much and overwhelming, you know what to do; break it into manageable chunks!

Start with one thing and build up your skill set over time. Notice when you are thinking about your child’s listening with a bit more focus and patience. Give yourself a pat on the back!

Here is a summary of the 8 ideas I have shared with you. Why not print it out an put it in a place where EVERYONE in your house can see it?

Feel better for longer with Caroline - The Kitchen Table Teacher.

If you have read to the end of both parts of this blog, give yourself a pat on the back too.

Your commitment is brilliant; you’re brilliant.

You’ve got this!